


Life Without the Sun

by Reikukaja



Series: Life Without the Sun (Jeankasa) [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Manga Spoilers, jeankasa - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-18
Updated: 2017-10-18
Packaged: 2019-01-19 07:45:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12406074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reikukaja/pseuds/Reikukaja
Summary: Year 861.Mikasa has found peace in the aftermath of the war, and learns to appreciate the joy in her life - despite everything she has lost.





	Life Without the Sun

**Author's Note:**

> This started out as a dream I had. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it for days, so I figured I would make it into a little story. Enjoy :)

_See you later, Eren._  

 _That dream again..._ Mikasa woke up from her nap and stretched. Her back ached. She slowly stood up from the small futon where she had been laying, and crossed the room to her window. It was a beautiful autumn day.  She yawned, slipped on her shoes, and walked out the door. She wondered what her boys were up to.   

As if on cue, she heard the high-pitched, squealing laughter of a child somewhere off in the distance. She smiled widely at the comforting sound.  _Of course_ _they hadn't gone far._  

Mikasa slowly strolled up the hill outside her home. She loved it here. Here, she had found some measure of peace. Eren had thought this would be the perfect place to build a home and raise a family. That's what he had told her when he escorted her to this location for the first time. He had wanted to surprise her after their wedding. 

 

Two years after the retaking of Wall Maria, Shinganshina had been fully restored.  The dead had finally been allowed to rest, and people were beginning to resettle within the city's walls. Eren had been a critical part of the rebuilding effort during that time. He was lauded as a hero, beloved among the people. She had always imagined having a small wedding, but that wasn't possible with Eren. It seemed like the whole city had wanted to celebrate on their wedding day. So they did.   

Everyone had been there.  Even the queen had made the trip from Mitras to be in attendance. Mikasa had never in her life been as happy as she was that day, surrounded by the people she loved the most, marrying her other half. She didn't care about the things most girls fretted over for their weddings. The dress had been nothing special, and the music she couldn't even remember. Her singular focus that day was  _him._ The way he looked at her when she joined him in front of all of their friends, the way he kissed her after they exchanged rings.

Mikasa felt a sudden pang in her heart. This happened sometimes, when the feeling of loss would catch up to her suddenly.  _He's gone._  

 

More laughter rang through the air, and Mikasa quickened her pace. It took more energy than she expected. She felt so slow. 

 

Mikasa couldn't help but wish that they had gotten pregnant sooner.  _Eren should have known his son._ Deron took after his father in so many ways. He had Mikasa's dark hair, but everything else was all Eren. He had Eren's spirit and he had his eyes – Eren's fiery, beautiful green eyes.  _Carla's eyes._ He would be six soon.   _Six._ Had it really been so many years?  

Eren was the one who picked the name. _"I like Deron,"_ he had said.  _"It means_ _free."_  

Deron had only been two when Eren saw him for the last time. They had known it was coming, but she had managed to hold on to hope even in those final weeks when Eren's body began to deteriorate at an unbelievable rate. He seemed to age decades in those last days, as the curse sapped his body of whatever strength was left.  

Mikasa wondered if Deron would remember anything about his father, the man who had given everything for the idea of freedom. For humanity. 

 

She reached the crest of the hill, and stopped to admire the view.  _There they_ _are_. 

They both saw her top the hill and came running.  

"Mommmmmmmmmm!"  Deron came charging at her first, and wrapped his arms around her legs in a loving hug.  She nearly fell from the impact, and she giggled while stroking her son's hair. She lowered herself to her knees to be at eye level with him. He was so fiery. She loved that about him. 

"Hey now! You shouldn't tackle your mom," Jean wheezed, as he topped the hill a few seconds later.   

"Dad's teaching me to climb trees!!" Deron was so excited. He was bursting at the seams to tell his mother about all of the fun adventures he had been on while she was sleeping.  

 

Jean had been there when Eren died. Mikasa remembered being surprised at how hard he had taken it. He and Eren didn't always get along, but they had become like brothers. They had always pushed each other to be better than they were, to grow. Eren had made Jean promise to take care of his family, and Jean agreed without even questioning it. She had thought it was ridiculous at the time. She didn't need someone to take care of her, and she didn't need Eren to give someone such an assignment. Eren had been right though, to trust him.  _Jean was good._   

Jean had never been like Eren. Nobody was like Eren. For Eren, being courageous and selfless came naturally.  For Jean, it required some effort. He felt fear like everyone else. He had selfish inner desires, like everyone else.  He managed to be brave despite that fear. He managed to be selfless, somehow ignoring that voice that told him to put himself first.  

She had tried to talk him out of keeping his promise to Eren. " _He doesn't own me. He's dead, and I can take care of myself. I am not some fragile thing that needs to be protected._ _"_ She pleaded with him, though she realized she was also trying to convince herself that she was okay.  

Deron had been such a fussy toddler in those days. She remembered thinking that he cried so much, he must have known his father was dead. She knew that was unlikely, but her head went to some dark places after Eren died. It was all she could do to get out of bed and make sure that her son had enough food to eat. She had been a terrible mother for those first few weeks when she was alone.  

But Jean had shown up at her door. He looked miserable, she remembered.  He had managed to lose weight, and his eyes had sunken so deep into his skull. " _You look terrible,"_ he told her. She laughed then, a deep hearty laugh that made her sound like she might be losing her grip on reality. He laughed too, after a moment. The laughter didn't last long, as they both descended into tears. She sobbed into his chest, finding some comfort that she didn't know she had been so desperate for. He let her cry as long as she needed. 

Mikasa invited him in for tea. She had been suffering alone for weeks, and it was strangely comforting to have someone else to share her misery with. They talked about Eren as they sat at her table, fondly remembering his passion and determination. " _I wanted to be brave like him,"_ Jean had said, after a moment of comfortable silence.  

Mikasa allowed herself to have a small smile.  _"He was the one who taught me to be brave._ _.. to be strong..._ _"_  

Deron had cried out from his bed moments later. Mikasa grew frustrated.  _"I don't know what he wants..."_ She stared down at her cup. Both hers and Jean's were empty.  _"I fed him and changed him only a couple of hours ago..."_  

 _"I can check on_ _the little guy_ _if you want_ _,_ _"_ Jean had said, sliding his chair out from the table, not waiting for her to respond. 

She made more tea then, listening as her son's wild screaming died down. Jean had been so good with him. " _He looks so much like Eren,"_ Jean commented when he returned to his chair and a full cup of tea. 

As the months passed, he began to stay over often, sleeping on the futon in her living room. The first time it had been an accident. He must have been exhausted, because he passed out in the middle of her floor while playing with Deron. Mikasa put her son to bed, and then laughed at how childlike Jean looked sleeping sprawled out on the floor like that. She didn't want to wake him, but he would ache in the morning if she allowed him to stay on the hard ground. She woke him gently, lightly shaking his shoulder.  _"_ _Jean... come on... let's get you up off the floor."_  

Being with Eren had been easy, like breathing. She never once hesitated with him.  _Why would she? He was her other half._  

It hadn't been so effortless with Jean.  

Their relationship evolved slowly. Jean had come to her with no expectation of romance, only wanting to be there for her and help her however he could. Her son fell in love with him first. She remembered how she had recoiled the first time Deron had called Jean his dad, when he was about four.  It felt wrong, at first. It felt like a betrayal. Part of her wanted to take her son and tell him,  _'_ _No, he isn't your dad. Your dad was someone else. Someone who was so_ _so_ _very dear to me.'_ The more rational part of her decided that it was okay for Jean to be the boy's father figure.  _Jean was good, and he loved her son._  

 _He loved her too, she knew. She had always known._ She wondered if that was why Eren asked him to look out for her.  

Eren had been the sun to her. His presence was so bright, it had drowned out the light of all the other stars in the sky. He had been her source of warmth, in a world that had been so cold to her. She thought that the cold would destroy her when Eren died - when the sun had vanished, never to be seen again. She had been wrong. There were other sources of comfort that she could depend on. She just needed time to feel their warmth, to adjust to life without the sun. 

 

Jean lazily plopped down on the grass next to her, smiling. "I'm surprised to see you out here! How was your nap?" 

Mikasa leaned back from her knees into a sitting position, stretching her legs out in front of her. "I thought I could use some exercise. The nap was much-needed though. Was I out for too long?" 

"A few hours. We had fun though. The little guy is going to turn into a monkey at the rate he is learning to climb." 

Mikasa smiled. "Is that so?"  

 

 

It had taken Mikasa years to accept the feelings she had started having for Jean. She thought she would never love anyone again, not the way she loved Eren. She wasn't wrong - not completely. With Eren she had been consumed by her need to be in his presence. He was the center of her universe. Her love for Jean was  _different_ _,_ but she did love him. She loved the way he took care of her without her needing to ask for a thing. She loved that he had been so patient. Jean had been the one to keep her from being swallowed whole by her misery. 

Their first kiss had been a disaster. It was soon after Deron started referring to Jean as his dad. Jean had just put him to bed, and they were sitting in the kitchen, talking like they always did.  

 _"He loves you,"_ she told him.  

 _"And I love him,"_ Jean responded simply.  

Mikasa got up from her seat, seeing that Jean's cup was empty. She crossed the room to him, intending on grabbing his cup to refill... but something made her stop when she was standing in front of him. He seemed to notice the way she was looking at him, and stood up. She felt possessed, as she crossed the small distance between them and pressed her mouth to his. 

Jean clearly hadn't been expecting it, but was happy to reciprocate.  

They stood there, frozen in time for what felt like hours. He kissed her with a ferocity that shook her. She wondered how long he had wanted this.  _How long had she wanted this?_  She had no idea. Realizing that she wanted him, something in her broke.

 This was  _wrong._ Jean tasted different. The way he kissed her was different. 

_He wasn't Eren._

Out of nowhere, Mikasa started to sob. Jean apologized profusely, taking his hands off of her. He obviously wanted to comfort her, but he didn't know what to do.  

She cried herself to sleep on the futon with him that night. He didn't try to kiss her again. He carried her to her bed after she fell asleep, and returned to the futon alone.  It would be months before they kissed again. 

 

 

"I'm going to be able to climb to the TOP of the trees someday soon!" Deron looked so proud of himself. He was fearless.  

Mikasa pulled him into the grass beside her, and mussed up his hair. "Just be careful. It gets more dangerous the higher you climb." 

"Don't be stupid!" He snapped. "I'm not a little kid anymore and I can climb as high as I want." 

Jean grabbed his arm then, gently. He pulled the boy to him and spoke in a low voice, firm but not unkind. "Hey now... that's no way to talk to your mother. You need to be nicer to her." 

Jean had a way of getting through to Deron. The boy worshipped him, and thought he was the coolest person he had ever met. Earning Jean's disappointment was devastating for the child. He began to snivel and tear up, returning to Mikasa and wrapping his tiny arms around her neck. "I'm sorry Mom...."  

"It's okay," she shushed him. She wiped away his tears and adjusted the scarf that was draped around his neck. 

"Do I still get to be a big brother?" He looked so concerned and heartbroken. She found herself noting how funny children were, and giggled.  

"Yes. You do." 

The boy's face immediately lit up and he gently wrapped his arms around Mikasa's swollen belly. "I promise I will take care of my little brother or sister. I'll keep them safe." 

"I know you will."  

She didn't know how she had managed it, but Mikasa's heart felt full.  

 

_I wish you could see me now, Eren. You would be so proud of me._

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Update: I couldn't leave this story alone, so I've decided to continue it as a [series.](http://archiveofourown.org/series/925104)


End file.
